Thursday, July 10, 2014

My Greatest Sin


Throughout my life I have done many things that I should one day take stock of and ask forgiveness for. Sometimes, I think that time may never come and as I grow older I have become increasingly okay with this. But there is one sin of mine which weighs on me more heavily than the others, one so bad I must right it immediately. It is a heinous blemish to my otherwise reputable character. It holds me back from believing I am a beautiful person. I fear it has the power to wreck my life if I am unable to gain control of it.

My greatest sin is that I am not happy. 

Or grateful. Or satisfied. Or aware for that matter. Not enough, at least. I find gold and yet can only seem to complain that the bank is too far away. I am not unhappy. I am not ungrateful. I am not unsatisfied. I am not unaware. I am simply a typical human in this blight ridden world of 'me' that we live in and I deeply resent myself for it. 

To set the record straight, I am by all 'usual' accounts very happy. I enjoy my job more than I even would have thought was possible considering the meaning of the word job. I am lucky enough to have multiple life-spicing hobbies that give a higher purpose to my existence. The people I surround myself with are generally the type of people your mother was talking about when she told you "it takes all kinds", and I mean that in the best way it can be taken. I am doing well even measured against the typical American life. I am doing wonderful if you factor in the hardships of being born in so many other places of in the world. I am doing outstanding if you're the sort that believes that the energy that my body is made from could have just as easily ended up becoming a plankton instead of a human being born in America to middle class parents who raised her to make good enough choices to one day be living a happy life of her own. 

Yet still I complain about how far away the bank is from the location which I stumbled upon my pot of gold. Why? Why do I do myself the disservice of focusing on the negative? Why after all the good I have fallen into do I forget? Why I have been able to achieve and see and experience so much do I forget? Why can I not remember that the most beautiful part of life, the most satisfaction is in knowing contentment in the present moment? I don't know why I go on with this charade of needing things before they come in their due time. I will surely once again reach the high peaks of life, both literally atop the some vast mountain range and emotionally in the throws of celebrating the successes I will come across. If only I could teach myself to remain aware and satisfied in the mean time, grateful and happy with life as it is this very second. 

Maybe this will help.

10 Things That Made Me Happy Recently:
1. The shimmering reelection of the sun off of the creek onto the undersides of the leaves on the trees above. 
2. The early morning glow of the sun shinning on a man standing at a bus stop.
3. The blue sky reflecting off of the road after a summer shower.
4. A day full of small, yet meaningful connections with strangers. 
5. An evening sky displaying innumerable textures. 
6. A recognition of a job well done.
7. Finding a new band whose sounds and words resonated with my soul.
8. Having the courage and swallowing the pride needed to reconnect with a friend. 
9. Meeting a thru hiker (Denali) at work (aka REI) who is currently on the trail and the feather affixed into his hair.
10. Breaking a writer's block and producing a sliver of honesty.
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